I am not new to making difficult decisions. I have made plenty in my life. Where to go to school, who to marry ( cuz you know I had a dozen guys wanting a piece of this =). At the time you wonder if this is the biggest decision you will ever make. You think about how your decisions will change your life, and where the path you choose will take you.
The knowledge that we have of Heavenly Fathers plan gives us reassurance and peace of mind when it comes to the big picture and eternal outcome of things. But what about the here and now things. What about the things we make decisions on that do not necessarily pertain to our eternal status or consequences. Sometimes I feel so alone in making my decisions, and I know in a way I am. We have all been given the ability to choose. And we have been taught the difference between right and wrong. So when it comes down to making a choice where there is no right or wrong, only unknown consequences, how do you make a choice. We pray, but ultimately we are asked to have faith and take a leap. In the past as I have used this method of choice making, I find that I do not get the answer to my prayers until it becomes clear that I have made the wrong choice.
So here is my dilemma. The choice I have to make does not affect me only( as most choices do). It more directly affects a little girl with blonde curly hair and a thumb in her mouth. She is my life's roller coaster. At points in my day she is a joy to be around and hold on my lap, and then out of the blue she is a whirlwind of fury. Despite the typical 3 year old behavior, I find myself more protective and loving towards her than my other children. Not that I am playing favorites. There is good reason for my behavior. Haylie, the little girl of whom I have spoken, had Bladder surgery when she was 2 years old. Just Minor surgery, no cutting or healing time needed. Now that she is nearly 4 years old, she is having more kidney trouble. As we consulted with the specialist, we were given 3 choices.
I myself having the same kidney problems( darn genetics!), and Haylie's past history with kidney infections, leads me to believe that this is not just going to go away with antibiotics and time, which is what the first option was.
The second option is to repeat the same surgery that she had done before. After her last surgery, the problem ( called reflux) was 98% fixed. Now 2 years later, the reflux is back. Not only is it back, it is worse now than when she initially had it. She is having fevers of 104.5 and hallucinations. She has had to have so many i.v's and catheters, and hospital visits, that even an adult would be sick of it. She bears it well. She does what the doctors and nurses tell her to do and she only cries when they have to poke her multiple times to get an i.v. in. Since this surgery only has a 70% chance of success, and because it didn't work the first time, I am doubtful it will work now.
Which leads me to option # 3. Invasive surgery to re-attach her ureters ( the tubes running from your kidneys to your bladder) in a stronger part of the bladder. This surgery has a 98% success rate. So what is the down side. INVASIVE........cutting my little girl open. I had this same surgery when I was eight years old. I have the scars. I had to deal with tubes coming out of my tummy. I had to deal with the pain. I had to deal with the scar stretching, almost ripping open, every time I got pregnant. I do not want to put my own daughter through that. I know that this is the only option that will eliminate more hospital visits and less tests. So do I do it? How did my own parents come to that decision? I never blamed them. I don't think I ever really thought that they had any part in the decision to operate. Will Haylie blame me, or wonder why I let this happen to her? Are the consequences worth the outcome?
With all the other responsibilities I have in my life, all of which are very important to me, my children and their lives are most important and thought provoking. I can not come to an easy conclusion. I know which choice is best for her in the long run. Will I have the emotional strength to support her through that. I can only pray and know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me and love my daughter. Whatever the outcome, I know that we are an eternal family and that we will all learn and grow from this.
The knowledge that we have of Heavenly Fathers plan gives us reassurance and peace of mind when it comes to the big picture and eternal outcome of things. But what about the here and now things. What about the things we make decisions on that do not necessarily pertain to our eternal status or consequences. Sometimes I feel so alone in making my decisions, and I know in a way I am. We have all been given the ability to choose. And we have been taught the difference between right and wrong. So when it comes down to making a choice where there is no right or wrong, only unknown consequences, how do you make a choice. We pray, but ultimately we are asked to have faith and take a leap. In the past as I have used this method of choice making, I find that I do not get the answer to my prayers until it becomes clear that I have made the wrong choice.
So here is my dilemma. The choice I have to make does not affect me only( as most choices do). It more directly affects a little girl with blonde curly hair and a thumb in her mouth. She is my life's roller coaster. At points in my day she is a joy to be around and hold on my lap, and then out of the blue she is a whirlwind of fury. Despite the typical 3 year old behavior, I find myself more protective and loving towards her than my other children. Not that I am playing favorites. There is good reason for my behavior. Haylie, the little girl of whom I have spoken, had Bladder surgery when she was 2 years old. Just Minor surgery, no cutting or healing time needed. Now that she is nearly 4 years old, she is having more kidney trouble. As we consulted with the specialist, we were given 3 choices.
I myself having the same kidney problems( darn genetics!), and Haylie's past history with kidney infections, leads me to believe that this is not just going to go away with antibiotics and time, which is what the first option was.
The second option is to repeat the same surgery that she had done before. After her last surgery, the problem ( called reflux) was 98% fixed. Now 2 years later, the reflux is back. Not only is it back, it is worse now than when she initially had it. She is having fevers of 104.5 and hallucinations. She has had to have so many i.v's and catheters, and hospital visits, that even an adult would be sick of it. She bears it well. She does what the doctors and nurses tell her to do and she only cries when they have to poke her multiple times to get an i.v. in. Since this surgery only has a 70% chance of success, and because it didn't work the first time, I am doubtful it will work now.
Which leads me to option # 3. Invasive surgery to re-attach her ureters ( the tubes running from your kidneys to your bladder) in a stronger part of the bladder. This surgery has a 98% success rate. So what is the down side. INVASIVE........cutting my little girl open. I had this same surgery when I was eight years old. I have the scars. I had to deal with tubes coming out of my tummy. I had to deal with the pain. I had to deal with the scar stretching, almost ripping open, every time I got pregnant. I do not want to put my own daughter through that. I know that this is the only option that will eliminate more hospital visits and less tests. So do I do it? How did my own parents come to that decision? I never blamed them. I don't think I ever really thought that they had any part in the decision to operate. Will Haylie blame me, or wonder why I let this happen to her? Are the consequences worth the outcome?
With all the other responsibilities I have in my life, all of which are very important to me, my children and their lives are most important and thought provoking. I can not come to an easy conclusion. I know which choice is best for her in the long run. Will I have the emotional strength to support her through that. I can only pray and know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me and love my daughter. Whatever the outcome, I know that we are an eternal family and that we will all learn and grow from this.
5 comments:
i AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT HAYLEY. IF YOU NEED ANYTHING LET ME KNOW. I WILL KEEP YOU GUYS IN OUR PRAYERS.
I know that you will make the right decision. I hate seeing my children in pain, especially when there is NOTHING I can do for them. She'll know that you made the right decision for her. At least you are praying about it and have that FAITH that things will work out how they are supposed to. We'll be praying for you as well as Haylie!
Hey
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Meghan
Ugh. Good luck Krista. I hope that everything turns out okay. HUGS. And know that you are in our prayers. When is she going in? Let us know what you need...
Krista, I saw this quote this morning and it made me think of you:
"Courage is the human virtue that counts most — courage to act on limited knowledge and insufficient evidence. That's all any of us have."
– Robert Frost
Hugs and prayers...
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